Part 1: The Bad (or Not-So-Good) News
1a. Everything that Concerns Mayu
I never really elaborated on the emotional problems that Mayu's been struggling with since well before I started going out with her, partly 'cause I figured I shouldn't reveal those kind of things to anyone and everyone, but also because I believed that she was rapidly getting better and ultimately there would be no need to. And so it seemed, but lately things had all of a sudden gotten worse again, and one week ago, she decided a relationship was just too much for her right now. I wasn't so much angry or sad as just...stunned, and that feeling lasted for about three days. The thing is, the whole month before we were hardly able to talk at all, so after the pain from that, it was like we were already half broken up.
It still really sucks, but the worst part of all was that I was just about to go to Japan and finally see her, and that experience I've longed for with all of my being was in an instant taken from me. I suppose I should feel angry. After all, the whole reason I worked so hard on my speech was for her; in fact, I would not have had the motivation to win without her. Yet for that very reason, my mom makes a good point... My going to Osaka is very likely something that I'm supposed to do, perhaps there's someone I'm supposed to meet, something that will be a future job opportunity, who knows. Still, I wish I could see her, even if just as friends...besides being in a relationship for seven and a half months, we've communicated by email for three full years total.
My parents, however, won't back down on the idea that the reason she broke up with me was my coming to Japan itself; that our relationship was wonderful to her as some surreal fantasy, but she feels too vulnerable to have it become real. While I had my doubts on that at first, I realize they may well be right. It was a very sudden and underexplained break up after all. They said she may want a relationship again after I return to America, which I'm not so sure about, though she may well wait that long to talk to me again (she said, "after a while, please be my friend again"). Even if she did ask to be my girlfriend again, I don't think I could do it. The whole reason the loneliness of these months would be worth bearing was that I would get to see her at the end of the summer... I mean, unless it was in Japan next year, perhaps.
Regardless, I'll always love Mayu in some way, and I don't regret the time we spent together, if only online. It's just a shame that she wasn't a more emotionally stable girl, because I truly believe the long distance in itself we could have overcome. Plus the fact that I had a Japanese girlfriend was like a perfect situation. I don't mean that in a weird way; you can say I was "born with yellow fever", but while it's true that "cute" girls are my type and I think Japanese girls are the cutest on the planet, that's not what I'm getting at (after all, I like white girls just fine =p). I just think it would be really great to be with someone of a different culture, someone coming from a different way of thinking, and since I plan to have a job that uses Japanese, a Japanese girl would be just that. Plus, since Mayu's a Christian, (despite any fears I may have had about her "going overboard") that really made one potentially disastrous cultural difficulty go very smoothly.
But the truth is, I do need a physical relationship right now. I do need more than just would-be hugs and kaomoji (emoticon) kisses (^ε^). And being a (ten-days-from-) 19-year-old guy with an inevitable sex drive the size of a semi truck, if I was with the right person, I finally could see myself going beyond that.
Still, my philosophy that dating is a waste of time and emotion (not to mention money) remains as adamant as ever, so I may have to be patient again...
1b. The "Search for Someday" Continues
So, yesterday night my friend Kyle had another of his bonfires, which he's been holding pretty often and are just a nice excuse for us all to just sit around and talk. It was fun as usual for the most part, but when I explained about Mayu, my oh-so-understanding friends decided to start giving me "tips on girls", which could not have been more unwelcome or ridiculous. "Your socks are too high, they should be under the ankle", "Polo shirts and track jackets!", or "Contacts and short hair looked better." (Not that they were even following the latter two.) When I left, I was so enraged I couldn't fall asleep until past 2...
So here's a (not-so-) little rundown on why I'm different:
First and foremost by far is a counterpoint to Jim's comment on "projecting an image": "Do you want people to see Ross, or do you want them to see Fabio?" It's probably amusing if taken as a joke, but it couldn't be more incorrect. I am who I am, and I take pride in being true to who I am. I want other people to know who I am, not some stupid fashionable façade, and guess what? I've found that people like me for who I am, and for being true to that. Naturally, I would want a girl who's no different. Any girl who could possibly give a damn about the above quoted statements is clearly not someone I could ever go out with (preference is one thing, but to actually think less of me for not dressing like some airheaded fashion model is completely ridiculous).
I was told (by Lauren, yet) that that statement basically rules out 98.7% of all women. An absurd statement, but even if that were correct, I wouldn't expect that more than one in a hundred girls would be my type anyway. Certainly I'm picky. People, my dad for one, have joked that I'm "looking for a wife", but that's actually not even that inaccurate. Sure I've no desire to get married any time in the near future, but the thing I've wanted more than anything for as long as I can remember is true love. And since I'm an all-or-nothing kinda guy, if a girl doesn't have ample potential to be that, then there's no point in me wasting the time and emotion in pursuing a relationship.
I realize that's also probably a daunting thing for most girls my age to read, but even if I could change that, I wouldn't. It's what I long for from the depths of my soul.
It's a shame that Jim's concept of having every person's genitals be in a unique shape and having to find the one and only person whose "hole your peg fits into" isn't true, hahahah. Wouldn't life be simple?
I mean, on the topic of looks, certainly no human can say that they don't matter entirely; we're born with eyes that like to see some things more than others, and you aren't going to spend the rest of your days on this earth with someone you can't stand to look at. Regardless, I don't believe it has anything to do with wearing trendy clothing. Rather, I couldn't go out with someone who was too "fashionable" or wore lots of makeup, or whatever. Joey found it a riot when I described such girls as being "too done up", but I think it's a pretty good way of putting it. If we're talking clothing, I prefer people who still look nice, but in their own sort of style, without worrying about what rich assholes are wearing. That's what I do. But I'm addressing this topic far more than it's worth. If we're talking looks, sure, I may have preferences here and there--petite, not too fat nor too skinny--but there's only one thing that's truly important in the looks department, and that's a nice face. And after all, girls have told me in the past that I use cute facial expressions, so I'm sure I can find one who'll agree with me here.
But I mean, a lot of things can't be put into words, and a lot of things don't make requirements, merely plusses and niceties. I would figure a list of actual requirements would be pretty short.
In my case, I wouldn't go out with a girl who... does drugs (obviously), smokes (ew.), drinks (I mean, one drink in a social occasion's probably fine, but no one who's ever wanted to get drunk), is a dogmatist or an atheist (neither's any smarter than the other, thinking is what's important, especially spiritual conversation), or likes rap as a genre (I'm serious!). On the other hand, nerdy and romantic would certainly be compatibility requirements. (Seeing as usually girls are the ones worried about the guy being romantic, that's one less thing to worry about, haha.) At any rate, that's all I can really think of as necessities, and that's not a very long list.
Anyway, I've gone on way too long about this, but there was so much I just needed to get out of my system. Taking an entire afternoon and writing all this really helped clarify some things. In the end, I'm sure everything'll work out as it's supposed to, because I'm true to myself.
Part two of what I wanted to say is all happy news, so perhaps I'll write that when I get back from work. :D
Oh, and by the way, if you actually read all of that, I owe you a hug, so remind me about that next time you see me!